girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
This kid will have a bright future.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it