After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
🐶😂
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me, in DM rooms…
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
But I really needed water water water
