After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
✌🏽
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI