If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here