If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-
Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?