If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.