When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?