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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
President The Rock Obama
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*limbos under the caution tape
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no