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bugs when you lift up a rock
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
This was a bad idea all around
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*