Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’m putting together a team
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”