A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*