You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.