My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.