I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones