Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work