Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]