me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
they split up moments later
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.