[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Teach your children to beatbox
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?