My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”