[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
You Might Also Like
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.