I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
You Might Also Like
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much