I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
You Might Also Like
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous