The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.