THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this