Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
You Might Also Like
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Spring of Deception
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh