Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?