[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
WHO DID THIS?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Why I divorced her.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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