I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I think this cat is broken
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Golf would be better with landmines.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.