Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Brilliant!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
an airline just for babies.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.