Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
How do you milk an almond?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
meanwhile over on facebook
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.