PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
How does one answer this?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
liiiiiiiiike
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning