When the stylist spins you back around
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why no one uses midhusbands
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
What the hell happened in there??