Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Breaking news:
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.