“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.