“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I鈥檝e been single for too long
Don鈥檛 mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I鈥檇 like you to recognize them individually.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma鈥檃m I鈥檓 afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I鈥檝e ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i鈥檓 living for it LMFAO
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Some days I can鈥檛 believe my son is 3 陆 years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I鈥檓 sorry, Joshua, there鈥檚 been a misunderstanding
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal