I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”