It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Brands during Pride
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently