Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
You Might Also Like
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?