My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.