14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.