[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.