The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT