Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*lint rolls you awake*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people