I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
back to work
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away