Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Dance like you’re not the father
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Uh oh…
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.