Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
You better watch out
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits