Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.


I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes


COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u


Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.


*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.


Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?