@scot7a

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

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@nnnatchos

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

@TweetPotato314

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@StruggleDisplay

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@twinstantfamily

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.