ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.


[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.


When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.


“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.


According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.


Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me


There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.


My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.