Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You Might Also Like
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Love is in the air fryer.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.