[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.