I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?