Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow