Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If you are reading this then you are reading this
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.