I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
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Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The Joker was right
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.