I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?